My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
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I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.