My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
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Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith: