Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….

-history

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist

[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

Him: I’m drowning in bills

Me: You should sign up for paperless

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up

Beware…..

Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.

Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through

Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead

Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.

[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it

Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup

PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part

When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose

*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*

me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.

i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know

Nine: There’s safety in numbers

Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*

Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.

*leaving a wedding*

me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s

I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.

[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no

*swipes right by accident*

Him: You’re not really my type.

Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.