My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
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Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Lassie, get help!
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Woke up against my better judgement again
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish