Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser

Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.

FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?

Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?

My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.

The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move

Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?

Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.

Eggs benadryl my favourite

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.

I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?

China are probably making all the medals anyway.

You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.

[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.

Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.

If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?

BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”