Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?

jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob

My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.

Doctor’s office: Please hold.

Me: Okay.

Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?

Me: Please hold.

Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”

Dragons: what does it do?

Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.

Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?

There are hundreds.

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike

A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

Had sex with a condom tonight.

Maybe next time it will be with a girl.

Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.

You don’t know.

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way

Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection

Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.

Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird

As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.

Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”

daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?

“I dunno, time travel”

time travel isn’t real

“neither is Santa, go to bed”

I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end

wait.

witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it