My dad.
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Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore