My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
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FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.