My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
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My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
My love language is hissing.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
(Gaming support cat.)
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Would you wear it?
