My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
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If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh