My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
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FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)