My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
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I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
a McRib killed my tapeworm
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”