Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate

me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?

interviewer: wrong popeyes

me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break

DOCTOR: Your hip

ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button

Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.

Told her to just roll them a little tighter.

My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.

one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked

The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.

it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop

If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something

Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!

You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…

not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout

If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you

If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.

At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.

I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.

🎉🥳

Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late

Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.

Me: Awww.

Date: *leans in for a kiss*

Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.

Dear Mr. Horsefly:

Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.

Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.