My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
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i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
[montage of me giving-up]
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?