My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
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GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.