Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.

I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.

The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

*walks into starbucks*

Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!

*has choice of any table*

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……

Perhaps next time I should go out with him?

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.

It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.

– Snow globe, the story.

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.

me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller

her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you

Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.

am i feeling hopeful about the future?

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

My wife left me for a fisherman.

Poor guy’s still reeling.

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.

Breaking News:

Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.

Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:

“spicy wet cheese”

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

what if we kissed on the garfield couch

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡