My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
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Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling