My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
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My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*