My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
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Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.