Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.

i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands

This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything

Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.

Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.

My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.

Daughter: I drew a picture of you

Me: where’s my big muscles?

Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”

2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.

*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time