My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
You Might Also Like
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Would make a brilliant taxi driver
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.