My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
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Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.
Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
A flock of dads is called a grill.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.