My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”
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Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.