Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Can you imagine jogging—

Me: No

Them: —in this heat

Me:

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.

HER: knock it off!

CAT: lol ok

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.

Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.

I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.

Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”

Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows

In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button

that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.

i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello

kidnapper: pls stop talking

I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.