Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.

July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.

Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.

me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in

wife: is it a bird?

me: yeah

mangled superman:

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.

*Runs across campus to get to class on time*

Whew! I made it!

*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.

Okay hear me out.

I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.

I’d marry me

*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*

me: why so glum, ghost?

ghost: i’m just going through some stuff

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

What the hell is going on in that bathroom?

Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family

If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.

LOL at people with only 99 problems

What’s that like?

“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever

The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

*planning family vacation*

Me: So what about camping?

Them: We love camping!

Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.