Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣

I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.

sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.

DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer

Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.

BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.

I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.

You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.

Him: I like your vest.

Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

ouch

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.

I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”

Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold

TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.

In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.

My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed

Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.

Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.