My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
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I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Hawk o the mornin tuah
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no