My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
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My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Still my favourite meme.
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
#dalle2
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.