My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
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IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
This billboard speaks to me
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch