My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
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My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
That 👊
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
This came to me in a dream.
My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.