Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…

Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO

REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?

OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2

[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

Tough love is true love

I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it

God: you’re a pack animal.

Wolf: what does that mean?

God: it means you live with other wolves.

Wolf: like all the time?

God: yep!

Wolf: d-do I have to?

God:

Wolf:

God:

Wolf: [slides $20 across table].

God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.

Wolf: yay : )

Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team

I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.

“so what brings you to therapy today?”

Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight

Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.

My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen

When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.