My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
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When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Daughter: [giving me attitude]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Daughter: Dad I’m 24.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
This morning my 4yo made up the best joke I’ve ever heard???
“What do you call a carriage pulled by snakes?”
“A hiss-drawn carriage”
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Babe, are you today’s date cuz you’re a 1/10
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.