My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
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My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Is your wife single?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow