My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
