My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
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Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
how it started vs how it ended
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Time heals everything 🙂
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”