My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
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When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
sailors wish they could swear like me
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Today I’m going to give it my almost
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.