Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.

So how much budgie food do you actually want?…

BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.

Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.

Husband: This house is a prison.

Looking forward to all the photos of people putting Luigi on top of their Christmas tree

I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.

[at a restaurant]

SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.

ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it

My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?

All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…

Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

Me: there there. No need for ugly crying

Him: I’m not crying

What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:

*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.

Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?

This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.

me: doctor said I have to stay in bed

boss: how long?

me: just a normal bed