My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
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Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
A huge thanks to the person that did this
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.