Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation

You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret

movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.

checking out some reviews of my local library

What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret

Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.

They’re working together, we’re in trouble.

My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…

TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes

Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.

Friend: You’re writing a book?

Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.

Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher

I CALL BULLSHIT

Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:

Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*