Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.

People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.

[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner

lol

ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew

Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.

my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]

me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT

Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”

New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.

My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s

[takes tylenol and goes about the day]

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s

[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim

Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either

8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?

ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.

Them: are you busy right now

Me: (just laid down) yes

I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.

Her: what are you into

Me: pokémon

Her: no i mean what’s your type?

Me: oh, fire

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

[bum holds his hand out]

“can I have some change?”

change comes from within

“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!