My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
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Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both