My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
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(Electricians.)
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics