My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
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I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Mission: Impossible
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit