My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
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Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.