My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
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I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
This week’s mood.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop