My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
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Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Every single bad day happened because I woke up
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
I was standing in the train station when some guy came up and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.