My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
You Might Also Like
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that