My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
You Might Also Like
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show
8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?