My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
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Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Who’s your best friend?
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
You don’t see great advertising like this anymore
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No