My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
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#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
I will never stop laughing at this
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away