Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.

You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……

The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay

Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils

My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.

My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.

i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out

Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone

Other surgeons: what

GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”

Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.

What

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something

Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.

Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.

Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*