Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron

One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice

My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles

Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers

Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.

[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen

Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.

Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?

9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.

I think I’m being stalked…

Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.

Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.

[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—

Celery is depressing green water wafers.

[superfriends lunch]

BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat

SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!

AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes

escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name

Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us

Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.

I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.

Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.

[creation of walrus]

god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard

angel: sorry, come again?

god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers

angel: dude what

god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula

angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

PLEASE READ

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.