my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
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I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy