my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
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Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.