My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
what could possibly go wrong?
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
