Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal

This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away

Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

I’ve got two, maybe three, quests left in me, but only if someone carries my horse.

my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her

Cats (2019)

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber

Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*