My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
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When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
husband: *worrying*
me: I don’t think you should worry about that
husband: well what should I worry about instead then
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps