My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
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Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Choosing the correct font is crucial…
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
*pouring wine over ice cream*
No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.