Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up

Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.

Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..

Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.

Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.

my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.

ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.

There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer

Encore…