“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
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“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.