“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
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ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Festive toon…
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
This story is comedy gold 😂
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.