Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.

[Airport Departures]

We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents

Me: Even if I pay extra?

I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.

shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.

*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt

Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing

Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.

The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.

Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet

I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago

My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.