my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
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Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Going into Monday like
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
thanks auntie mary
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!