My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
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The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
he’ll never suspect a thing
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I’m too immature for adultery.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.