My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
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How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes