Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn

I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches

Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?

neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.

a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.

Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”

After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂

My kids are really competing for least favorite today.

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.

Some Things Never Change 😀

#archaeohistories

ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces

ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.

Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”

Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.

some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.

but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.