Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

What if giving up is overrated?

Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”

So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.

It’s also raisin free.

And cake free.

OK it’s just rum

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.

Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.

My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…

Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late

[Thor Love and Thunder]

me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR

cinema guy: please stop doing this

[engineer looking at blueprints]

“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”

Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”

How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-

ME: *slams on brakes*

Starbucks job interview:

“What’s your name?”

“Alyssa”

“Spell that please”

“L A R I S S A”

“When can you start?”

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

ME: *stands by the window*

ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE

I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse