my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
You Might Also Like
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Not😆🤣
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what