Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on

The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

[Rome]

CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway

My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.

When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”

Your move, government.

Me: I wish my toilet was sentient

Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three

PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.

My love language is hissing.

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes

My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.

Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”