my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
You Might Also Like
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Don’t we all.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play