my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
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Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Safety first
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’