Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.

Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.

Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.

Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.

*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*

wtf?

“dad i can explain”

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.

Me: *googles my symptoms*

WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days

*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…

Awesome parenting 😂

dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol

My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.

incredible

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question

Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.

I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.

Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.

Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh

“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children