Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.

me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.

7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –

me: shut up

give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.

Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.

i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.

#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”

When you “pspspsp” too hard

Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded

We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.

Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.

I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,

“You’re making a big moose steak.”

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.

Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.

Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.

Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here

Her: Have you planned your funeral?

Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.

Her: (Stares)

Me: What? Are you busy on that day?

Somedays I just love AI so much

“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.