– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
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I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Thinking about a snail with a limp
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.