– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
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My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…