MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
You Might Also Like
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free