Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.

Leftover Pie:

Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.

[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]

Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?

7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life

Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing

[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…

Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.

[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?

Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool

Genie: you get three wishes

Dog: I wish I was inside

Genie: two wishes

Dog: I wish I was outside

Genie: one wish

Dog:

Genie:

Dog: I wish I was inside

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie

i prefer mine room temperature.

Bitcoin. Toothurt.

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

The cardboard doesn’t go in the oven with the pizza… does it.

my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist

Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

I support this random dude and all his protests

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.