My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
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My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
a lot to unpack here
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Me: Did you bring a poop bag in case the dog poops?
Bf: I brought 2 bags!
Me: Oh, good. I can take a poop then too.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Yo How the f##k you spell Matthew Micconohay
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.